2023-11-16 #
I am overwhelmed by feelings of fear and complacency. Fear of losing my middle income lifestyle one way or another, and the complacency of it. I haven't been poor since university, but I like to keep reminding myself of what that was like.
Thinking about death again lately, how I will leave this world with nothing. Not like I can take any fancy possessions with me, so might as well enjoy them while I can. I probably have too many things, some of which I need to sell, but I'm too lazy.
2023-11-06 #
I took a long break from writing anything, as if my mind went illiterate in 2012. Lately I have been suffering from poor sleep, likely sleep apnea, but also mental restlessness, as my thoughts keep racing. This has prompted me to write down some thoughts.
Currently feel like I am waiting to die, most likely from disease or accident. Life has been incredibly stale since getting a job in LA, that was in 2017. These years have gone by so fast, with maybe only a few interesting events or vacations in between long periods of boredom.
Happy automatons living out their lives, having their ChatGPT training set conversations. Having human relationships feels more and more alien to me. I am the alien to everyone here, like the Lebanon Hanover song goes. Humans generally need communities and relationships to not be suicidally depressed.
Part of why I stopped writing at all was the pressure, of having some sort of audience, even though fewer and fewer people read any form of long-form writing as "text at sample velocity" has proven to be dominant. At least my own diary is like a no-audience underground. The real reason is that I had not much to share, not even with myself. Mindlessly going through each day, work is a real mind killer.